Ooohh… Julle ken dit almal… so wanneer jy in die hysbak klim en dit vang jou… so prominent…
Nou verstaan jy…
“n Voorstedelike Engel
Ek is 'n nooi van Pretoria maar woon al 'n paar jaar in die Goudstad. Dit is in my nuutgevonde vryheid waar ek besonderse dinge beleef het en mense ontmoet het wat my bestaan ingekleur het. Mooi herinneringe is gebou; maar ook hartseer terugslae is beleef. Of hierdie nou 'n spoegblok, 'n dagboek of net die neerpen van 'n mengelmoes van my onsamehangende denke is, is debateerbaar. Dalk is ek 'n filosoof met die wyshede van die wêreld wat ek aan ander kan openbaar..... Ek kan dus bieg, wat ook al die beskrywing... hierdie is 'n persoonlike soeke na innerlike vrede en antwoorde wat ek verstaan.
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Ek ondersteun graag…
En ook vir…
31 Comments
Oops
Nogal ne?
BTW, jy’t bietjie huiswerk, Girltjie…
Okay – Okay… sodra ek my voete vind na die ramp wat hier uit die lug geval het…. dan het julle weer my volle aandag!
Ja – Nee… Glad nie ‘n Ford nie… Hier is geen stoot nodig om hom aan die gang te kry nie!
Genugtig!! Gelukkig sien ons dit net en ruik ons dit nie!
Vrek ek is net so bly…dink net!
Maar hel, die plaas alles in persepsie!
Daai kan nogal genomineer word vir die Nobel Fart Prize!
Beeps…. as jy mooi kyk… kan jy sien hoe jy druk! Dankie tog dis nie ‘n spuit poep nie!
…right now I’m so hungry, I’m farting fresh air
Heheheh… Ek twyfel nogal… met al daai groen groentes wat julle almal verober…
Women don’t fart
– We release tension 
Hmmm… nie my ouma nie!
In Korea is dit niks snaaks nie…hulle doen dit selfs aan tafel in restaurante tot ons foreigners se vermaak! Jy skrik jouself in ‘n ander bloedgroep in vir die dreuning en dan snak jy na jouse asem vir die reuk en hulle gaan aan asof niks gebeur het nie!
Soos in regtig kaalvoet
Ek het nogal gehoor hulle se die oosterlinge kan nogal … erm…. baie Vocal wees met sekere bodily functions… Eeeeewwwwww!
Ek’t nie geweet ek word afgeneem nie….. :blush:
En vir ‘n oomblik hier… dog ek dis dalk Beeps!
10. Spuitpoep
Spuitpoep is skaars, maar wees gewaarsku hierie outjie kan jou nogal kruppel. Dit gebeur gewoonlik na jy baie deurmekaar gedrink het. Spuitieland is nie lekker nie. As hy jou vang dan trek hy jou plat soos Joggie Jansen. As jy nie vinnig genoeg is nie kan jy maar jou beste G string cheers sê. Die geheim hierso is spoed. Vang hom voor hy jou vang.
9. Suutjiespoep
Nogals gewild onder die blare, alhoewel hulle mos nie poep nie. Met ‘n ongeskikte briesie druk hierie een voor jou in net soos ‘n krimpie by die ABSA in Lyttleton. Moenie die suutjies verwar met Silent but Violent nie – ek kom nog daarby. Daar is nie veel wat mens kan doen sodra jy agterkom een is vrygelaat nie. Maak ma spore, jy weet nooit daar mag dalk net meer as een wees.
8. Gwarrah
As jou boudjies so begin bewe dan moet jy weet. Moenie dit eers durf om op ‘n harde stoel te gaan sit nie. Alhoewel jy as bystaander nogals vroeg gewaarsku word, is daar baie dinge wat jy kan doen om die ongeskikte outjie te vermy. Die alombekende trek jou hemp oor jou neus om jou disgust te wys. Gryp ‘n kierie en gee die bra so lessie in maniere. ‘n Gwarrah is nogal sterk en hang in die lug gewoonlik tot Kersfees. Vermy Kollonade voor Kersfees.
7. Silent But Violent
Ja julle weet waarvan ek praat. Word meestal in lifts aangetref. Jy sien die boude maak nogals plek vir hierie outjie en dus die rede hoekom daar geen geluid is nie. Hierie een knor byvoorbeeld glad nie vir jou as jy hom vrylaat nie. Die blare ken ou Silent goed. Hulle het gereeld in stillees hierie outjies los gelaat . Anders as suutjies het jy geen waarskuwing nie. Moet nooit wind af sit nie. Soos ‘n renoster kan hy jou omkant vang.
6. Hibernasie konstipasie
In die winter dan eet en drink mens mos maar meer. So loop hy ma. Jy skuif die oefen program op sy, om plek te maak vir die vodski. Die liggaam vat bietjie strain in hierie tyd want dit is nie gewoond daaraan om so baie alkohol en slapchips in te neem nie. So konstipasie is die orde van die paar maande. Eno schmeno. Niks help vir hierie kak nie. Die probleem is teen die einde van die winter dan herstel jy so bietjie en dis net hier waar dinge skeef loop. Oppikoppi word nogal gereeld gevier met monster poepe as gevolg van die einste Hibernasie konstipasie. ‘n Defnitiewe wenner om die kamp vuur. Sit maar net ver weg van die vlamme want ek het al gehoor van baie mense wat hulle gatte gesien het deur so onverskillig te wees. Respect.
5. Rapid fire
Nes die naam sê. Hy skiet meer as een keer en los jou met ‘n ring of fire. Baie ongemaklik veral na ‘n aand se kerrie. Koop maar tripple ply kakpapier om genade en vrede vir die boudjies te gee. Dit maak nogals ‘n lawaai so as bystander sal jy dalk verboureerd eers rond kyk. Rookie mistake. Jy moet hardloop pappa. Want dis nie net een of twee nie maar ‘n hele gesin.
4. Die gewilde aansteker
Poep is darem ma ‘n ou grappie. Dit weet ons nou al. Ma soms gebeur dit dat al die gelag net dinge erger maak. Dis ‘n kerslig ete. Jy en jou blaar staar in mekaar se oë vir die laaste halfuur. Sy dink: “Het ek die oond afgesit?”. Niemand verwag ‘n ongeskikte ou Suutjies poep nie. En da het jy dit. Julle albei bars uit van die lag met bloed rooi wangetjies. Die probleem is net dat al die gelag jou maag so bietjie laat skud en dinge onstabiel daar binne maak. Nogal ‘n probleem want enige van die boonste outjies kan uit glip en die kers uit blaas.
3. Skilletjie poep
Ou Skilletjie en strepies is close cousins. Jy kry skilletjie poepe gewoonlik na ‘n goeie sarsie rapid fire. Baie snaaks, tot jou gesig van ‘n smile na defnitiewe onsekerheid verander. Iets het losgewoel iewers en is besig om jou panna te krap. Soos ‘n skilletjie as’t ware. Daar is nog tyd om plan B uit te voer, whatever jy as plan B beskou.
2. Strepies poep
Strepies, soos ek gemention het, is ou Skilletjie se cousin. Jy kry vir ou Strepies as jy nie plan B suksesvol uitgevoer het nie. Die wêreld is mos jou oester, maar ou strepies het ander planne met jou. Soos ‘n stoutgat 4 jarige laitie met vetkryt en die eetkamermuur as ‘n canvas, bekrap hierie outjie jou Woolworths G string. Heel skaam as jy die goed laat rondlê.
1. Skuimkoppie
Daar is nie eintlik ‘n scientific naam vir hierie poep nie. Ma hy het ook nie een nodig nie. Skuimkoppie praat vir homself en niemand anders nie. Sommige mense ken hom by die naam Kaptein Skuim. Ander ken hom as blok en tackle. Jy sal weet as jou paaie met hierie een kruis. Geen verduideliking is nodig nie. Die bottom line is, she’s not nice.
Oh my word!!!!! Die is raak beskrywings!
BWHAAHHAHAHAHHA
O wee…
Bwahahaha. Uitstekend!
The Anticipated Fart:
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
The Back Seat Fart:
This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, “Who farted in the back seat?”
The Barn Owl Fart:
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It’s a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.
The Bullet Fart:
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
The Command Fart:
This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Nathan Martins recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
The Common Fart:
This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
The Cushioned Fart:A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
The Dud Fart:
The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It’s a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn’t. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
The Echo Fart:
This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
The G and L Fart:
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
The Ghost Fart:
A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart:
This is strictly an old lady’s fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, “My, oh my,” or “Well, well.” There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person’s fart as there is.
The Jerk Fart:
The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
The John Fart:
The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person’s trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
The Lead Fart:
The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
The Malted Milk Ball Fart:
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
The Oh My God Fart:
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts – a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg – as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.
The Omen Fart:
This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
The Organic Fart:
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
The Quiver Fart:
A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
The Rambling Phaduka Fart:
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
The Relief Fart:
Sound or odor don’t matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, “Wow, what a relief.” Very common.
The Reluctant Fart:
This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
The Rusty Gate Fart:
The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
The S.B.D. Fart:
S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
The Sandpaper Fart:
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
The Skillsaw Fart:
A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
The Sonic Boom Fart:
The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
The Splatter Fart:
Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
The Stutter Fart:
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can’t seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
The Taco Bell Fart:
The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day.
The Teflon Fart:
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
The Thank God I’m Alone Fart:
Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, “Thank God I’m alone.” Then you get out of there fast!
The Tickle Fart:
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!
Wie dink al die goed uit?
Hmmmm….
laat iemand nou OOIT weer ‘n bekvol te sê het oor my comments se lengte 
Of eehhhmmmm poep ek nou teen ‘n storm??
Oeg… Ja-Nee… Jou rekord is nou offisieel gebreek!
Wanna give it a go
To set the ‘record’ straight, so to speak – Ek skryf original comments – one of a kind – never to be repeated – hierdie is gecopy en paste… so, ek het nog nie regtig my “Moses” teëgekom nie, nê? Ek is nog steeds voorloper, nê?
Oeg, maar natuurlik bly jy die Queen van OORSPRONKLIKE kommentaar! die een was net effe langer!
You Rock old’ wise one!
Ek sal nie weer iets sê nie… en jy het selfs ‘n post gedoen! Well Done BB!
OITS! maar ek het nou lekker gelag!!
*Gwarrah* nogal